hmm.....So here it is. Have fun.
Regular jokes: A man (hank) enters a bar, orders a drink and pulls out a cigarette. After realizing that he has no liter he askes the bartender for one. the bartender pulls out this giant liter. Hank is astonished and inquires of its origions.
Bartender: "I was walking on the beach when i tripped over this oil lamp. I dusted it off and a genie shows up. the long and the short of it is this liter.
Hank: "what in gods name were you thinking. You could have had any thing... You don't still have the lamp do you?"
The bartender says nothing, retreats to the back room and returns brandoshing the lamp. He hands it to hank, who proceeds to rub it. Out comes the oldest most decreped genie immagionable.
Hank: "uh... I wish for a million bucks"
Genie: (with dust coming out of his mouth) "yep okay"
The genie returns slowly to the lamp. Nothing really happens. Eventually a duck walks into the bar. It is followed by a cavulcade of ducks that just keep coming.
Hank: "what the hell is going on here?"
Bartender: "He's got bad ears, you dont think i wished fo a 14 inch bic"
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As
he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact
change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll
have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will
have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That
will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket
and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.
"Excuses me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two
wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers,
"My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."
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Little johnnie lifesavers
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of Lifesaver candies and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored Lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, Lil' Johnnie coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out! Spit 'em out! They're a**holes!!"
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A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap.... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge chest out for dinner..... Then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and make love to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a crap first."
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there was this special bus which carries only ugly people, and one day this bus was in a horrific accident and all the people on the bus died. In heaven all the ugly people are lined up in front of God and coz of their miserable lives God grants them one wish and they can go back to earth. The first person in line goes "I want to be beautiful" God goes your wish is granted and she became beautiful. The second person in line goes " i wanna be beautiful too" and so she becomes beautiful. The person at the end of the line starts laughing and he is literally on rollin gon the floor. By the time God came to the last person he could not stop laughing and tells God "I wish for them be be ugly again"
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A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball."
He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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GEORGE BUSH: when you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters: EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: When you rearrange the letters (With no letters left over and using each letter only once!): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS.
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Misc:
Subject: The History of "Giving the Finger"
_ /'_/) ,/_ / / / /'_'/' '/'__'/','/' /'/ / / / /_\ ('( ' ' _ > \ \ | \ ' / '\' \ _./' \ \ \ \
Giving the Finger
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers! Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw
the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the
future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated
French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! "PLUCK YEW!"
Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative
'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute
are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the
longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."
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Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
TELEGRAM #1
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A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her
clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as :
Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
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TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill >station sends a telegram to his wife : "I wish you were here."
The message received by wife: "I wish you were her."
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TELEGRAM #3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came,it was the last ticket.
Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as:
"Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."
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TELEGRAM #4
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.
The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake.
Well he thinks for a while and says: let's put, "you are not getting older you are getting better". The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and"You are getting better" at the bottom.
The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake: "You are not getting older at the top,You are getting better at the bottom".
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TELEGRAM #5
A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her
parent's house in Delhi.When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer.
He sent a telegram.When the wife received the
telegram, she fainted.
It was written: 'sethji aaj mar gaye ! ( Sethji Ajmer gaye ).
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2003/06/08 - Call The Police.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Visual Humour :
Roy Horn being mauled by the Tiger
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Weapons of Mass Destruction
One quiet Sunday morning George and his dad was circumnavigating the Texas Ranch, in search of WMDs...
When suddenly... the Segway decided to let the US commander-in-chief have it...
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Googlism: Find out what google thinks about you http://www.googlism.com
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And...
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/3178820.stm
Love conquers all, even nibbling doubts.
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/cms. ... tid=227447
More to come
