writings

[bongo]

Now just to clarify this isnt exactly poetry in the sense of the word. To go out on a limb one could refer to this style as prose yet I call it waterfall. Enjoy. Its available for reading on my myspace www.myspace.com/jamesxmcintosh

Again im here in front of the fucking computer screen oh fuck. Hate cant describe the loathing I feel for this blank fucking stare, Its piercing gaze penetrates nothing yet calls to you screaming for you to press its buttons and leave a trail of words sprawled across its technicolor screen. Acid trippers are really fools at heart, they think theyve found the answer to all of lifes questions in bottles labeled Desydil. Hard to believe that while I'm trying to figure out what the fuck is going on in my fucking life theres some hippie mother fucker eating a sugar cube laced with chemicals to totally obliterate any preinhibitions about the world that he has and view the world with no predispositions or fears. It seems that these men who eat these cubes and these squares all end up on top of the same fucking mountains as I do. Only thing is they take the helicopter ride where as I scale the fucking slopes slipping and sliding and skidding my way up and down with no real reward at the end of my journey, after all once I get to the top of this mountain ill see the view and make my way down. Retaining the memories of my journey will be all thats left in my hands. Grains of sand falling out to be quickly annhilated by the detieriorating winds of time. Drastic falls will befall me and then I will be nothing but a mess at the foot of a large mountain with only one way to go but back up this fucking monster again. Helicopter rides seem very tempting dont they? Desiree is constantly revolving herself around my mind. Desiree is my moon she consistently stays within view always watching and waiting for that first footprint to set upon her surface. Bruised and broken by my voyages I fall at her feet and she nurses me back to health only for me to return to my mind so that I can once again join the ranks of battered men. Back and forth I must go and the chore has become quite the adventure. Suppose that the best part of my journey's to this moon may be the journey's themselves and the satisfactions of having been able to partake in them. Could it be that one could relate life to these mountains and journeys through time and space, that the true joy's in our life are derived from the hardships and struggles we make to obtain our single days of happiness. After all when everything is through and done you once again are at the foot of the mountain, with only your memories of what was. Incredible to think that these small revelations have no real impact upon my life. After all this thinking is done Ill wake up again with the fond memories of Desiree and work through my week so I can once again be in the presence of this angelic figure. Desiree is the peak of my mountain and the weeks without her make up my journey's. Does it seem worth it to spend the rest of my life constantly scaling mountains for unattainable goals. After all how close can we become before I fall down my mountain. Fortunately, Having pondered this question I have made the conscious decision that Desiree is worth the constant stumbles and scrapes and falls and that I am willing to allow myself to climb to the top of the mounain. Because shes; perversley kind to me, undoubtedly the most beautiful girl I have ever met in the history of my existence, my reason for not letting rivers flow from the big blue man. Having been so unhappy with my life prior to my meeting her I wanted to die, after I met her I no longer wanted to end life as I knew it, I was no longer dead inside, today I am merely existing, but every weekend when I feel her warm embrace and her silky skin at my fingertips and her sing-song voice whispering in my ear, only then do I feel alive.

i dont know what i am any more. im not what i used to be and its all falling apart but im holding it together and im straining every last bit of energy into proper maintenation im making up words to keep the rhyme flowing the water in the streams trickling and the steady music goes on im left in the dust just me and prose. fucking lying on the carpet staring at the floor wondering why and for how fucking long was the land im dying on uninhabited the current state of my life is begging for new forms of expression poetry is to beauty as life is to mystery what am i thinking comparing two fucking genres to two intangibles im so fucking dumb lets kill me and let my blood drip the drugs havent started theyre not gonna i need something to keep my mind away the death the pain the static the constant beats. Make it go away drown it out flush the pain. the drips and draps and drops and flops of rain upon my window make me want to fucking pass inot the fuck i havbe to piss the inspitations are not enough i need more filling cups slipping lives my slide ahs ended iver just diesd and now im left to sit in a pool of vomit and shit not staring at the keyboard got to take a hit the shit fills my lungs takes away the pain leaves me alone just me and the rain the rhymes coming back time not enough leave me alone jsut let me go im under pressure

Listen to the music, i can feel it in my chest. The bass is breathing and the treble screams and im sitting like a sponge absorbing it all. The vibrations are to strong , loneliness makes no sounds and through the day i still cant find a style to make you say hello. with every sound and every broken melody my heart breaks ive spilled my life and ive crushed my soul and no theres only me completely naked lying on the floor. I can feel it go down and it feels so good. Shes coming here today

sheel find me lying on the floor im naked and im still wearing clothes. i dont know what that means. i wish that the world would fuck itself. i do. i have the postal service ep we will become sillhouettes im bored and my life just doesnt feel right. kill me now just spin the knife. I want the sickness need the disease give it to me just stick it straight into my arm the pleasant pain shot pleasure through start. i can feel my body falling out and im flying through the air my feet feel like feathers and my shins are motorboats and im just flying in water on air beneath the ground. i cant see a thing yet i hear every sound and they m,ake perfect sense i can feel everuything in my bones. i can hear it . i dont need my eyes so i strung them out. i ripped them tore them from my flesh. threw them to the floor. i see with no eyes now. its as if i see everything in a context. much like in a dream when you see some person and you know that theyre a sailor even though theyre dressed like a supreme court justice simply because its in the right context. i miss my life bring it on home to me

ten o clock its way to fucking hot i took a fucking piss and got it on the floor i wanna be fucking drunk . hate this shit being awake theres no fucking reason to be around today i didnt do anything of any distinct signifigance i weigh 134 pounds im gaining weight i want to be a drug addict but i dont have the cash. hot cheetos kill yourself. punk is dead. the music still good. hardcores alive and gay. i hayte it i kant fucking do this shit right now what ok lets start again. im thinking about my girl and i cant fucking understand it she says she misses me wait she doesnt she says she wants me wait she doesnt she says she well she doesnt say much anything anymore i want a fucking cigarette i want that fucking cancer in my lungs and i want it to reach through me im fucking pissed the ashtrays are empty just like your fucking mind you insolent little shit i fucking hate me /you/anything else at this moment i hate fucking waiting for Desi's calls its fuckin wretched i swear like shell actually come through tonight or this weekend or next weekend.

its been a week since i last saw her and the loneliness is killing me. its like going without water. dying of thirst. the hunger eats away at me my body caves in upon itself. i cant stop thinking and i cant stop breathing drinking cant drown her voice. she haunts me. she haunts me tonight. and i cant be right till i feel her hand at my side. cus im trying to forget her its only one more day. but ill never forget her. i cant forget her. shes so fucking incredible i cant get her out from inside. every thought and action makes me think of her, i tried running i tried drinking and id do it all again if only i could see her for one more day cause shes just that great

the cup into which i poured my mind


I am sick of the rhymes running through my head their constant melodies are searching through my soul. They find nothing yet they continue deeper. I;m staring at my math journal and my agenda and my cell phone. blue pen. Speakers. The postal service. everything is crashing in to me. My eyes hang heavy and the colors seem to jump out. I think of everything thats been going on in my life it seems as if everythings been going fine yet I feel as if Im melting just a pool of intelligible matter lying upon the floor. I should be grateful for the things I have; my family, Easton, Desiree, My education, my surfboard, Im unaware of the other things. I feel sick my heart is wrenching and my stomach is turning in circles. The persistent beat of this song and the flicker of my monitor are the only things i see i wish to be alone. to be apart from the world. seperate of the whole. a man of his own . i picture myself a man standing hand in hand with a woman, desiree acrosss the island channel there is another man who looks very much like myself his name is easton. He waves and I remain unmoving i wish i could move my hand to say hello but i cant theres something hiolding me back i dont know what it is. I cant think about anything except desiree it seems as if she lives in my head. a miniature desiree has set up camp in the confines of my mind and she doesnt seem to be leaving., I dont think I want her to leave. I fear that she may decide to blow up the cell and escape from me yet she assures me she will not. I cant stand the thoughts of being hurt. I didnt realize the risks that come with a relationship the constant tightrope walk. I miss her very much. She is the piece im missing I cant be complete with out her. This stupid man continuously punches me in my face i wish he would die but i know if i knock him out it will simply cause i flurry of popups to attack. Who knows maybe i got what i wanted Desiree is after all the object of my attraction. I want to be with her again so bad its like when youve been working for weeks on some horribly complicated beast of a puzzle only to find that the puzzle piece youve been searching for was sitting underneath the sofa a short distance away and upon lifting it up and grabbing the piece a man steps on your foot and a woman vaccuums the piece up you still have the piece in your posession its just know very difficult to obtain. I miss her so fucking bad i would take any number of shapr blows to the head if i could spend just a moment with her i miss her soft words and her skin smoother than chinese silk.I miss her soft lips pressed into mine and i miss the soul locked within her. I wish to hear her voice. I want to feel her touch. and i want to be graced by her presence. She makes me, a dingy dirty little fuck of a boy, turn into some sort of prince polite courteous caring. She makes everything so perfect so inexplicably serene she can calm beasts and make even the most vicious dog tranquil. She is the sweetest sugar and the finest wine. I miss her and I wish to feel her touch again. She perverses my mind and digs deep into my soul. She is my baby. Desi. Baby. I cant help but smile every time i look upon her beautiful face. THe world disappeares each time im with her and everything is quiet. SHe is perfect.

I cant believe it fucking happened but im at school. My summer days are dry and ive come to the bottom of my bottle. My days of bathing in sunshine and roaming the streets like a dog in the harsh heat of July. So here come the days of sad December. I'll strap on my peacoat and put on some gloves. Step out the door and then ill become the monster i was. I cant stand to think about it and the only light upon this sad sad day is the thought of seeing Desiree. Shes the cocaine behind my eyes shes the speed in my syringe. I can't count the days till I see her again, actually I could but I choose not to because when I do it makes my life gooo thatttttttt muchhhhhhhhhhh sloooooowwwwweeeeeerrrr.......... Until I CANT stand the waiting and I want to EXPLODE. It certainly is a rash way to describe things yet life is rash and to put it any other way would be a lie. I cant be lying now can I. I think about her and I get a flurry of butterflys stumbling around in my stomach. Silly butterflies. I miss her so very much and I wish that you only knew but you dont so you can go fuck yourself because none of you know and I doubt you ever will. Easton knows. Desiree knows. I Know. Im bored, lonely, and I just want to slowly waft away until there is no recollection of my former self until there is only her and I. Because she is perfect and to be in her company can only be described as such, perfect.

teeth

i sometimes feel unwanted. Today is a very sometimey day. I woke up at 6:50 and washed my soul down my throat when I took my pills. I slowly meandered my way downstairs, upon entering the kitchen I realized I hadn't brushed my teeth and my breath smelled of a moldy sponge or some other disgusting item which never in a million years would you want to have the displeasure of wafting into the vast canals of your nose. So I trudged back up the stairs and brushed my teeth. Once again I slowly stepped foot by foot by foot down my stairs and proceeded through the corridor until I entered my kitchen. I thought of eating but decided against it, eating is for the mortal. I ventured onwards to the computer and I delicatley placed my skinny butt into the cold seat of the wooden chair. I flipped on my monitor, checked my myspace, no red things, wrote a letter to a girl. I think im a bit obsessive. I dont really know. I guess its just something to do. Im currently obsessing over whether or not I'm obsessive. So I finished up on myspace for the time being and I begain to play a puzzle game while the calm melodic sounds of Camera Obscura drifted and flowed their way into my ears. I continued with this until 10 o clock. Then I put on my shoes. Went out the door. And Arrived at the doctors office. I was given a physical. Blood Pressure is 106/80 my height is 6 foot and an eigth of an inch weight is 133.7 pounds and my body mass index is 8% I am currently in better shape than most olympic swimmers. I smoke cigarettes take that and shove it up your ass motherfuckers I hate you all except a few of you who know who you are but wouldnt fucking bother to read this shit. I spacedly walked up the steps of the office until I got to the next floor where I made pleasant small talk with the geriatrics sitting in the blood office about the sky, the weather, and the vampires about to steal 5 mili liters of my blood the bastards. Its my blood and at this moment there are only two people aside from my family I would give it to Desiree and Easton who would never fucking read this. Anyways prior to the crime I invite my brother in to watch the entire process which he is more than happy to do. Well as I watched them stick this rather large needle into my arm I begin to become slightly aroused as I watch the warm stream of blood flow forth from my veins. I am in a state of awe as I watch. Its so beautiful the slip of the needle under your skin. I could only think of her the entire time and how id have liked to have held her hand through the robbery. Aside from that all went well. I went downstairs and went outside into the world. When I came in from the world I had arrived in a strange office. Little men were running this way and that screaming of the importance of constantly combing your cuspids and brushing your bicuspids before I realized my father was telling me to comb my hair and my dentist was asking me if I had brushed before my visit, I answered yes to the dentist and patted my hair for my father.They cleaned my teeth then gave me rubber bands and then I left and here I am.

well thats some shite right there ummmm its really just my thoughts if any of you bothered to read them all thanks a bundle it makes me feel good inside

[Zen]

Whoooaaa dude, why so much? Come on, be kind to your fellow stoner bro! We only have so much of an attention span! I haven't even started to read your writings man, I"m scared to. But now that i replied I guess I'm gonna have to. Just for future reference bro hehe

Peace~

[FIRE!!!]

Depressing as hell man, I only read the 1st paragraph and couldn't bother to read the rest for fear of killing my buzz. Couldn't tell you if I liked it or not, I gotta be in the mood for depressing poetry before I do anything like that.

[FIRE!!!]

Upon rereading it, I found out that you hate me, and you get aroused from needles going in your skin.

I wouldn't talk to me that often if I were you.

[bongo]

im strange :/