Am I to blame?

[andriaSRH]

This really isn't me looking for advice..I just need to get this off of my chest. It's hard to just come out and say...but I think my mom is crazy. Sure she is a functioning human being...she goes to work...but yeah..that's about it. I remember when I was younger my mom did her hardest to give my sisters and I everything we wanted. The only bad times I remember are when she completely ignored us to be with her boyfriend. She would lock herself in her room for hours. My older sister was out doing whatever..(getting knocked up) while my little sister and I would stand outside her door, begging for her to come out to make dinner. We eventually learned how to take care of ourselves...in a way. I got into a serious relationship and at the first chance I got I moved out , while my little sister spends most of her time at school and at her boyfriends house.

When I say she is crazy I'm not like "Oh that bitch be crazy!" ...I mean like..she has lost all self respect for herself and she has basically given up on having anything nice in life. Her lawn is unmowed and unkept. For some odd reason she spent A SHITLOAD of money to get three trees removed from the yard, so now all the neighbors can see how horrible the house looks on the outside. The door literally has strips ripped off of it..exposing the brown wood that was covered by green paint. What used to be flower beds are now infested with giant weeds and shit. When you come close to the house there is a faint odor..like someone farted...but it's all around the house...I'll tell you why in a minute...it's pretty embrassing

Today I came into the house after getting a soda from down the street and I could smell fart. So I came in..(greeted by my mom who was wearing no pants..but hey it's her house) and I say "Hey mom..the outside of the house smells like fart." To that she says "Ohh the dogs been farting. I'll spray some febreze." I'm surprised she wasn't taken aback by the look on my face. I said "But mom..it's the entire outside of the house. There is no way a dog's fart could make an entire house smell."

Okay so I will tell you the main reason why I think my mom is crazy...and this is why I think I am to blame....I should have done something about it a while ago....

She has a dog right..but she barely feeds it. She barely has money to put in the fridge. Not saying AT ALL that her being broke has anything to do with it...I'm just saying she has every oppurtunity in the world to go back to college for 6 months so she chould make an honest living. Anyways back to the dog...she feeds it human food ...mainly leftovers from family get togethers. So the dog is in reallllly bad shape. Like bad..like on the verge of death. She doesn't let the dog outside...... (my hands are shaking right now...okay so anyways) she doesn't let the dog outside to go pee or poop, so it does it business in the house. It's been like that for years. The smell has lingered up to the top floor, and my mom is playing dumb about it. On top of that...apparently the washer AND dryer are broken (which makes no sense because she handed me a luke warm-right-out-of-the-dryer towel once) so she hangs up our clothes to dry in the basement....................

I have tried so many times to get her to let me take the dog to the pound..or anywhere..just to liberate it from it's pain..but she refuses. She says it's a good guard dog. UMM news flash, that dog is not going to do shit to an intruder, besides maybe die on top of one.

Ever since I broke up with what's-his-face I had to move back in with her....alot of my clothes are missing, or smell so bad I can never wear them again. I've been washing clothes at a friends house...

I just donno. It seems like it's my fault she is this way....she stopped caring about her own self respect. She doesn't care how her house looks..or smells...she bought my little sister a car (Yeah..bullshit I know) but she had to take over using it because she has no money to fix her van. She has no money in the bank..for fucksake she is like 54 or some shit. No money..at all? Maybe if I had stayed in college and never moved in with my ex she should still care about stuff. Life isn't about having the best cars, of the greatest looking house..I know that...but to just give up on everything..it's so sad.

This is like a crazy wall of text..and thanks to anyone who reads it. I was seriously thinking about getting back with my ex just for a place to live. Horrible..I know..but I feel like I live in a wicked witches house. My skin crawls everytime I walk through the door. Don't get me wrong, I love my mom..but no amount of spring cleaning will ever change this house back to the way it was when I was little. It feels like the walls are crumbling around me.

I want to get a place of my own...and I hate to make excuses but I have basically been feeding myself the entire time I've been here. I make about $200 a week..which is enough for a couple pills, booze and food. Before I know it all my money's gone.

I guess what I'm getting at is..should I talk to my mom about this? Should I tell her to her face how I really feel? Everytime I try to have an adult conversation with her she think I have an attitude or she blows it off like it's funny. UGH

Should I call the cops? Fuck....this sucks.

[Weedguru Higher]

Andria. This is not your fault, you are the child here, and your mother is the parent.

She might very well have a mental illness of some sorts though, kinda sounds a bit like depression to me.

Is there somebody in your family like an older sibling, Dad, Uncle or someone you could confide in and ask for help speaking with your mom??

For the dog maybe you could just take him to the animal shelter and tell her he ran away??

I don't think calling the cops is a very good idea, it won't accomplish much

[andriaSRH]

Aw man it feels so good to hear you say that...I could cry.

I have two uncles...her brothers. One is like a 40 something year old in the closet stoner...cuz the dude is lazy as fuck lol. He is divorced and his house is a mess as well. The other...thinks he is Dr.Phil or some shit. He is definately in the actual closet.

The main problem in this family and is that no one talks about problems. In all honesty...am the only one who looks at things with common sense. I truly believe it's up to me. I have no backup on this one.

I just might do that with the dog. I will have to come up with some bullshit story about how I found em behind a dumpster or something.

Thanks so much man..talking about this is like therapy.

[Weedguru Higher]

Whatever you do don't go back to that jerk boyfriend of yours, excuse me for saying that but the way you have portrayed him here makes him sound just like that. Putting yourself into another unhappy situation isn't going to fix anything. Running away from problems never fixes anything, you have to face them to overcome them

I think your best bet is to maybe get your priorites straight and start saving ASAP for moving out on your own. Maybe a few less pills and booze and more into the bank. If you never start saving and don't have a well paying job then you too will be living paycheck to paycheck like your mom. Have you got a highschool diploma? Maybe you should consider trying to get a better job if you can.Take on a second part time job if need be.

If you have no family members able to help you, you could always consider turning to Social Services to get help for your mom. They have specially trained people who could help her get things straightened out. Like I said earlier, sounds to me like she might be suffering from depression or something.

How old is your younger sister??

[AbbyRoad]

andria, thats a pretty rough situation to be in.
Higher is pretty much 100% correct on the advice. These are pretty classic signs of severe depression. and i think its important that you know your not alone in your situation. its not just your family that doesnt share, its the world. people are out there suffering like you and your mom and social stigma prevents them from seeking and receiving help. but there is help, if you look for it.
highers right about the ex bf. getting back with someone to escape the situation may seem desirable but your just picking a different kind of hell

[Bubbles]

i totally would not get social services into that house if its that bad, they could easily make a few calls and have the house condemned, leaving your family homeless.

you have got to remember, when trying to help your Mom, you have to choose carefully as some people can be very inconsiderate about this kind of thing.

[weedguru_waffles]

It's not your fault at all. And getting back with your ex won't solve anything. You broke up with him for a reason (don't forget it)...

[andriaSRH]

Thanks you all make uber good points. I'm gonna write out what I'm going to say to my mom. I don't want to talk down to her..I'm just gonna be straight forward and ask her why she is letting everything go to shit (in the nicest way possible)

I still can't help but blame myself. I can't help but think how things would be if I had never dropped out of college and moved out.

Now that I am back I feel like an even bigger burden. Since my mom can't afford to fix anything she is talking about getting a part time job. Ehhhhh.

[SpRi7e]

What does she do if she doesn't work? Is she a stay at home mom that's barely a mom anymore because her kids are 'all grown up and i don't matter to them as much'? She might have just lost a purpose for herself in life, she might be missing something or regretting something. Whatever it is, try to talk to her about it, get to the root of the problem and see if you can help her and make sure she knows you're there for her. What's wrong with her getting a job? Maybe her getting a job is a good idea.. it'll help keep her mind off of things for a while and give her some satisfaction to her life. Getting money, buying more things for herself, not worrying about debt as much.

[wgToonces]

Yeah man it's not your fault.. Maybe you should just spend a bit of time with her, do the lawn and the weeds, make the place look nice and shit so she sees what it can be like again. And definetly get that dog outta there...Just my 1 and a half pence...Hope it all goes well man.

[Weedguru Higher]

Just my 1 and a half pence...

Oh that sounds so weird...

We says 2 cents here

[SpRi7e]

yeah same.. weird.

[andriaSRH]

I thought it sounded kinda hot

What does she do if she doesn't work? Is she a stay at home mom that's barely a mom anymore because her kids are 'all grown up and i don't matter to them as much'? She might have just lost a purpose for herself in life, she might be missing something or regretting something. Whatever it is, try to talk to her about it, get to the root of the problem and see if you can help her and make sure she knows you're there for her. What's wrong with her getting a job? Maybe her getting a job is a good idea.. it'll help keep her mind off of things for a while and give her some satisfaction to her life. Getting money, buying more things for herself, not worrying about debt as much.

If she isn't at work she is either running errands with my older sister or just chilling out in bed watching tv.

My grandpa died in Feburary, so I'm thinking she might be taking it really hard and just not saying anything. I really won't know until I set aside some time to just sit and talk with her.

If she gets another job then there is like no way I could get around to work. That's three people using the same car for work and school. Besides that she has been working her whole life and I don't want her to put herself through even more stress. She needs to meet new people or take up a hobby or something.

Yeah man it's not your fault.. Maybe you should just spend a bit of time with her, do the lawn and the weeds, make the place look nice and shit so she sees what it can be like again. And definetly get that dog outta there...Just my 1 and a half pence...Hope it all goes well man.

That's actually a pretty sound idea. ^.^ It would be fun to plant flowers with her and have girltalk.

[SpRi7e]

I thought it sounded kinda hot

What does she do if she doesn't work? Is she a stay at home mom that's barely a mom anymore because her kids are 'all grown up and i don't matter to them as much'? She might have just lost a purpose for herself in life, she might be missing something or regretting something. Whatever it is, try to talk to her about it, get to the root of the problem and see if you can help her and make sure she knows you're there for her. What's wrong with her getting a job? Maybe her getting a job is a good idea.. it'll help keep her mind off of things for a while and give her some satisfaction to her life. Getting money, buying more things for herself, not worrying about debt as much.

If she isn't at work she is either running errands with my older sister or just chilling out in bed watching tv.

my mom does that and trust me, doing those same things every day for yearss just gets plain old, have her doing some new things that she hasn't done in a while.

My grandpa died in Feburary, so I'm thinking she might be taking it really hard and just not saying anything. I really won't know until I set aside some time to just sit and talk with her.

your grandpa died.. so it was her father? She's definitely going to be taking it somewhat hard, and she's probably reflecting on her life and how it's becoming less meaningful.. it's a depressing time that my parents have been going through for a few years now

If she gets another job then there is like no way I could get around to work. That's three people using the same car for work and school. Besides that she has been working her whole life and I don't want her to put herself through even more stress. She needs to meet new people or take up a hobby or something.

you're going to have to eventually get a car for yourself. Also getting a part time job isn't a whole lot of stress and gives her some extra leniency on her bills for spending money.. that's definitely less stressful. Working in a job where you deal with people is the perfect way to make friends or just talk to people about bullshit. Hobby's are good to do, but there's not a whole lot available for her that won't cost a bunch of money unless it's something really cliche' like a reading club, knitting...unless you can talk to her about what she likes and get her to turn it in to a hobby... be creative

Yeah man it's not your fault.. Maybe you should just spend a bit of time with her, do the lawn and the weeds, make the place look nice and shit so she sees what it can be like again. And definetly get that dog outta there...Just my 1 and a half pence...Hope it all goes well man.

That's actually a pretty sound idea. ^.^ It would be fun to plant flowers with her and have girltalk.

having 1 on 1 time with your mom is perfect for you to get her in a little better mood, or get her mind off of her usual mindset..I'm just going with experience from my parents and what helped them to get better.. They're kind of in the same boat as you

[Dr. Greenthumb]

You ought to stick the dog in your car and drop him off at a shelter, just tell your mom he ran away. That's a horrible way for anyone to live.

Good luck sweety.