First Attempt

[Midnight Toker]

This is my first attempt at poetry since i was like 11 years old, so tell me what you think. In some places i realise the rhyme scheme seems a little forced, but i believe poetry that doesn't rhyme is the last resort of untalented pseudo intellectuals, so i had to try. Also, it doesn't have much of a definate purpose or message, just a mele of general observations and thoughts.

It's true that success turns out to be a handful,
Like Icarus, flying high will prove to be my downfall,

Business proves to be a life of social masturbation,
Suck ups stroking egos, here and now, across the nation,

So open up your eyes and tell me what you see,
if you're looking at perfection you aint looking at me,

Perfection is concept that i find hard to swallow,
Nobody is perfect, do you read me? Can you follow?

You can only strive to become the best that you can be.
to live through self reflection, are you happy with what you see?

Meteorlogical metaphors, pathetic fallacy,
when it rains it pours, when the sun's up, i'm happy.

Violent thunderstorms, the tears will follow after,
but when the sun comes up, with it comes the laughter,

And when the darkness falls, it brings the tranquility of night,
The silence becomes deafening in the absence of the light.

So smoke and drink, be merry, cuz that's what life's about,
all this will keep you happy, of that there is no doubt.

Feedback would be much appreciated.

[BUDA]

I liked it.

I keep meaning to write a poem but i don't wanna write something then everyone tell me it sucks

[Midnight Toker]

I keep meaning to write a poem but i don't wanna write something then everyone tell me it sucks

Fuck that, criticism is the only way to improve, no one is good on their first try (except me, apparently ) Write whatever you like. No one will slam it without the neccessary or desired justification, and if they do their opinion is ignorant and irrelevant anyway. Crack on mate

[BlueBull]

Yeah man it's nice, what it really like is the fact that it's not (as a lot of other poems are) just coming up with a sentence and then looking for somthing that rhymes, this just seems to flow in eachother naturally, nice job...

[BUDA]

I keep meaning to write a poem but i don't wanna write something then everyone tell me it sucks

Fuck that, criticism is the only way to improve, no one is good on their first try (except me, apparently ) Write whatever you like. No one will slam it without the neccessary or desired justification, and if they do their opinion is ignorant and irrelevant anyway. Crack on mate

Haha shit i guess your right... Your poem wasn't the best but im a nice guy nah it was pretty good really. Modern theme but it didn't really inspire me, didn't seem to have much of an underlieing meaning(then again i guess poems don't have to just random). But shit i know i couldn't do any fuckin' better, ill have ago when i have more weed and more time.

[Zen]

Hey man, for that being your first poem since grade 11, that was pretty good. It didn't really sweep me away but it has agood message, and I can tell that you dug these lines from down within. Keep chippin away at this bro, you'll create your own Michelangello

Peace~

[weedguru_animal]

'And when the darkness falls, it brings the tranquility of night,
The silence becomes deafening in the absence of the light. '

i especially enjoyed these lines.