I came home from work the other night and was making the usual "how was your day" chit-chat with my husband. As I was mindlessly chopping zucchini for our dinner, he hits me with the following:
"You know how Bugsy (our dog) likes to sits at my feet when I'm on the computer? Well, I was masturbating to some Internet porn, and I came all over the dog. He just laid there looking at me with cum all over his head. It was the funniest damn thing!"
I stopped chopping and could only think to reply, "Did you give the dog a bath after that?" Much to my relief the answer was yes.
Now I will never look at my husband or the dog the same way. I could have gone my whole life without knowing this little tale. Self-censorship - use it!!
Going away for two weeks and I must find a sitter for my cat. You would need to take him to your apartment because my house sitters are deathly allergic. A liitle background information for prospective babysitters...
Three years ago a friend asked me if I would adopt an orange kitten that was found at 3 weeks old under a staircase nearly starved to death. Being an animal lover with extensive animal rehab experience I said yes. And so the cat was mine.
I just don't like my cat. I love my cat and I give him a wonderful happy, safe life, but I don't like him. You get the idea. When you meet this cat you will wonder why. You will think poorly of me and call me cruel. Because when you meet this cat he will come to you and meow. He will jump on your lap and put his front legs on either side of your neck and hug. Yes. The cat hugs. It's bizarre, but true. He will follow you around and cuddle and be the perfect cat. He will shock and amaze you at all of the words he understands. You can tell the cat to go lay down and he will. You can tell him to get his cat-toy and he will. He will charm you with his personality and you will want to love him forever.
So what's the big deal?
He has ass glands that swell and tend to leak out poop scented oil. Yup. Leaky ass glands. The vet says it's no big deal and there's not much to do other than "milk" them from time to time. Yeah, that's fun. Squeezing out cat ass juice is one of the most heinous things I can think of. But it must be done. Otherwise you will find ass-juice spots all over your bed, chairs, window sills, and any freshly cleaned clothes that happen to be around.
The ass-juice also results in ass-juice dingle berries that tend to form on the posterior end of the cat. The AJDB's must be plucked off with warm paper towels and discarded. The cat does not like this process. You will be scratched numerous times as you attempt to clean a giant thrashing cat butt.
Because he is a rescue and most likely some inbred runt of the litter and missing a few genes, his teeth all fell out at 7 months of age. This means you must make him a special concoction of rice, wet cat food, and egg whites that looks only slightly worse than it smells. Cat will gum this slop up out of his bowl with such intensity that it causes him to then puke it all right back up and ingest it for a second time.
Cat likes attention and is very affectionate. There is a catch. The cat will NEVER EVER LEAVE YOU ALONE. Not for a second. If you are on the bed, the cat is on the bed. On the couch? Cat's on the couch. If you go to take a shit, the cat will open the bathroom door(yes he figured out doorknobs) and stare at you on the throne. When you leave it will sit at the door and howl until you return. Neighboors will hate you.
You could pet him, but then you will end up covered in hair. A rare skin condition (three cheers for inbreeding) causes him to shed more than usual. One brush of the fur and you will have a wad of hair in your hand that could easily create 4 orange toupes. Be wary when getting dressed in the morning for one rub on the leg from this feline and you will look as if you are wearing UGGS inside out over your dress pants.
You can't leave the cat alone for too long because he gets caught on things. Sigh. Yet another birth defect has rendered him unable to control his claw retraction. Cat walks on the floor and the claws pick things up. Cat keeps walking and before you know it he's dragging some stockings, a washcloth, dust bunnies, and some yarn behind him. One then must pick up cat and pluck the claws out of said items without getting snagged yourself. Never ever allow cat to jump off of your lap without assistance or your pants just might leave as well.
So that's my lousy cat. Who wants the job?
Let's just say, 'hypothetically', that I decided to flogg my dolphin last night just before retiring for the evening. And let's just say that when I went to pee in the morning, some dried manchowder might have dried up around the opening to my prick, blocking the flow of urine. And let's just say that that blockage, might have caused urine to back up inside my rod for a second or two, creating an unusually fierce spray of piss pressure once said blockage was busted. And let's just say that this high-velocity piss-stream shot off at a 45-degree angle to the left because of said blockage. Let's just imagine that this 45-degree angle cause me to hit the ear of the cat who was perched not too far away, causing said cat to 'flip out,' screech, and perform a 4-legged leap with a half-twist and quarter roll (diffuculty of 6.
. Let's just say there may have been an empty glass resting on the back of the toilet, which may or may not have been tossed off the back of the toilet by said cat in the aforementioned jump. That glass, we might say, falls really close to my foot, lodging a small shard of glass into my left foot. This lodging of glass shard may have caused me to immediately grab said left foot, creating a situation of hopping on one leg (while still relieving myself, mind you) on a tile surface which is becoming increasingly wetter by the second. Let's just say that it only takes a few hops on one foot on a slippery surface to end a physical event of such fashion. AND LET'S JUST SAY that once my foot was taken out from underneath me, that I crashed into the shower door, knocking it off its tracks and causing me to fall in the shower and somehow ending in a back down, face up position, legs elevated, with blood running down my leg, pee streaming down my body to my neck, and a new head-welt with massive headache to boot.Let this be a lesson to you, next time you feel like rubbing your pole.