Midnight this is all a lie wrote:I have no idea how to respond to something as tragic as this, i've never experienced a loss or pain that even comes close to this, so i don't know how to respond.
Midnight this is all a lie wrote:All i can say is i'm truly, truly sorry for your loss and your in my thoughts and prayers. I know you're a strong person and that you can pull through this, keep your head up. Much love - Midnight
Well, that's a good start
Unfortunately, I also can offer nothing but condolences, and I'll be there if you ever need an e-shoulder to cry on. Sorry for your loss and keep your chin up, times will get better.
sad story.........well at least hes at peace now.i dont even want to think how bad it would fell to lose a close family member
[img]http://img82.echo.cx/img82/5073/britneyeatsfortwo1qr.gif[/img]
I got a lion in my pocket, I'm lyin,
I got a nine in my pocket,
And baby I'm just, dyin to cock it
I've belost 4 close relatives so far in my 14 years. I know the feeling of losing close people around you. Deepest sympathies and may he rest in peace.
im so sorry man, one of my uncles dies, we were close as hell, if u all watch biker shows, u probley know him,his name is indian larry, we always hung out and always hung out, untill he went in for that god dam encore, i wish he haddent
God, just reading through this whole thread again has the power to take me back to that time and place. I am still so far away from putting his memory to rest. It sears me with burning pain, like now, a few times a week, and every day I think about him and regret the loss. I miss him so much. I love him so much. I just wish we could hang out again, I want to hug him again and I want to hear his voice. It sometimes hurts so bad.... but sometimes I can think and talk about his death objectively. I told someone about it today matter of factly, as if it happened to someone else. Then I come home and I am drawn to this thread, which captured the pain of his departure. The pain is all still there, deep inside of me... I'm beginning to think it won't ever go away. I want to put him to rest and celebrate his life but I still just can't get the image of his dead body out of my mind. I wish he could have been saved, if I was there I would have saved him. I wish it had been me instead of him, maybe I would be easier to put to rest since I'm not as fucking awesome as he was. He will never talk much in my dreams and it always feels as though there is a wall between us - the wall being composed of my living conciousness and his dead body rotting in the ground. It's not fucking fair, so many stupid people are alive and my wonderful baby brother and friend is dead and gone forever. I need to see him again someday, if I found out for sure that there is no afterlife I would probably jump off a cliff too.
In the years before his death, I used to grab him and plant a kiss on his cheek, he hated that.
But when he was a little boy he used to kiss my cheek every day before school, "give your sissy a kiss" my mom used to say. One time she said "give your kissy a siss" and we laughed and laughed, and it stayed with me all these years.
Thinking of him as that adorable little boy makes me feel like I'm being killed... it literally feels like I am dying as my head clouds and tears roll down my face.... I miss him so much.
Sometimes in my car I ask him to sit in my passenger seat and I talk to him. But he isn't really fucking there, he never will be, he'll never be 20 or 30, he's fucking dead. It still doesn't make any goddamn sense to me and I have no idea why I can't let him "rest in peace". I loved him too much for that. After losing my big brother I loved him even more. That love is keeping me down and making it so I still can't say goodbye and celebrate his life.
I was reading a book in the sun while he was drowning....
PS I miss it when people on WG would talk to me about this, but what is there for you to say? I understand it, too.
Oh Caro... Just reading that... I wanna cry. I could never imagine life without my little brother... I hate him to death sometimes but if he ever did die I would never stop blaming myself for it. I would curse and stab at myself till all the words and blood ran out of me in some vain attempt to fill him back up with it. What happened to you WAS unfair dammit, you shouldn't have to be living through this hell.... I want to say I'm sorry but that's not going to do any good or help anything at all. I know nothing I oculd have done would have helped to save your little brother.... the fucked up thing is he was the same age as I am now... I was born in 1986.
Technically it could have been me dying inplace of your brother. 2004... I remember that year.... I almost did die that year. On Dec. 31st 2004, New Year's Eve, I was driving up this hill beside the prison, when I hit apatch of black ice, and my car spun out of control, and into the other lane of traffic. At the same time a logging truck, thank God it wasn't fully loaded, was heading down the hill, towards me. I remember seeing it and thinking "Oh my God, that is the worst fucking thing that could be headed down this hill, why the fuck did my car spin out there, I'm going to die now and so is Kerriann (my passenger)"... At the time, I didn't feel much, I might have been so scared that I wasn't scared at all. I don't remember feeling any fear, or even panicking. That was the first time I ever heard anybody ever scream for their lives though... That's not a scream I ever want to have to hear again. It tears through your soul sharper than than broken glass and rends it as if it were made of razor blades. Thankfully there wasa guardian angel watching over me and the truck turned at the last second just dodging the cabin and running over my back end (which unfortunately was where the engine was located) so luckily he didn't hit the engine either.... We hit the barrier which prevented us from falling 500 metres or so and we both were frozen in place for a good long time before either of us realized we were alive.
I COULD HAVE DIED THAT YEAR. And then I would have had an older sister just like you who would be crying and weaping and wanting just to hold me and see me, and smile just knowing that I oculd see her back instead of being buried within the cold grey Earth. If I had died that day... if I could have said one last thing to everyone before I departed... I would have said something along the lines of "Everyone, I love you very much, and I wanted to let you know that I wasn't scared when I crossed over. I don't want you to be scared for me, and I don't want you to kill youselves over my death. Please know that with or without life, I am happy, and through my death I want all of my happiness and all of my memories... our memories flood into your souls and fill you with spirit and love. Please live as I cannot, and don't let anything hold back your tears or smiles. I don't regret what I have done with my life and I truly do love you all. Good Bye and till we meet again."
Now, I know I obviously can't speak for your brother or anything to thaat extent whatsoever, but maybe, I hope, these words could ease your mind somewhat towards his passing. There's no such thing as a cure all for this sort of pain, but there are many things that can help. I wish you didn't have to feel the way you do Caro, but you can live for your brother in the way that he can't. I'm sure he would at least want that, and I'm sure you've probably told yourself that more than once, and I don't know if anyone else has told you this but now you're hearing it from me. He still loves you, and I'm sure he would give his big kissy a siss on the cheek now if he had the chance.
R.I.P. Dan you're remembered and loved more and by more than you'll ever know.
And same goes for me if you ever want to talk on MSN Caro
Peace~
Use the Earth to sew...
Use the Water to grow...
Use your hands to pick...
Your fingers to pack...
Use the Fire to burn...
Use the Air to breathe...
AND TOKE THAT SH!T LIKE A MUTHA FUCKIN' CYCLONE!!!
Thank you Zen, that was really nice. And it does comfort. You've always been very supportive of my issues here on these boards, and it means alot to me. Sorry about that USA/canada fight we got in... it didn't mean much to me but stuff like this really does.
Dreaming about my brother is helping me to heal... it's like he answered my pleading and I got to spend a lot of time with him there in the last few weeks. THE DREAMERY
I'm glad you could find a smile in my words Caro. And don't worry about the Can/US thing, it wasn't really a fight. Everyone's entitled to their own opinions and the right to stand by them hehe. It's good to hear that you're finding repair in those dreams which at first seemed to be just painful memories.
It takes time to sort out the reality of something like that. I don't think I would ever be the same to having to lose my little brother. You're a strong person Caro, which means I have complete faith in your abilities to come to a peace in your mind with your brothers death.
You've got my love as an older brother riding with you Caro.
Peace~
Use the Earth to sew...
Use the Water to grow...
Use your hands to pick...
Your fingers to pack...
Use the Fire to burn...
Use the Air to breathe...
AND TOKE THAT SH!T LIKE A MUTHA FUCKIN' CYCLONE!!!
It's like, I'll be fine, but then I'm drunk, and alone. And I haven't had the time to grieve a little bit every day like I normally do, I've been working so much. So it all comes at once, like now. Actually it's been coming for awhile - but I always have to push it to the back of my mind because I'm working. There's his funeral song on the radio - can't cry. There's someone who looks like him from the back - can't get sad. There's his pillow on my bed and the empty sky he used to be under too - have to go to sleep. There's the thought of my dad, slipping father into dementia and we'll never have a relationship coz Danny was the glue that held our triangulated family together - oh well.
Oh well?! It's not well! My whol fucking life would be better if it were how it is in my dreams. Ok so I know that things happen for a reason and I would be missing out on so much if I hadn't done the things I'd done since and because of his death, but I don't care. I want all of that and I want him back, too. I'll never stop missing him, never!!! It still feels like a lead weight sewn into my heart with thread of steel. It still contorts my face in absolute misery when I am alone and allow it to come. It can feel like it just fucking happened - reliving the reality that he is gone is fcuking impossible.
Can you imagine seeing the dead body of your child sibling? Seeing their innocent face covered in mortuary wax? Being left alone with the body? Can you even fucking imagine how horrible it is??? It isn't like tv at all. You don't forget about it and move on at the end of the hour. You don't forget about it and move on at the end of the year. Or decade. It never fucking goes away, it's just a pain you have to live with and cope with.
I can't even express how much this has messed me up. How much a part of my daily thoughts he is. He wasn't when he was alive and well. Now I feel as though I did take him for granted. I thought I didn't because my big brother died and so I always tried to take the time and talk to my little brother and get to know him and we were good friends. But I didn't take enough. I should have talked to him every day, I should have seen him more.
It hurt so bad when the courts split us apart. I had tried so hard to get away from my abusive father. Ever since mom left when I was 10, my dad put me in her place. The lectures, the yelling, the intimidation, the brainwashing, and finally the beating. For two years I took it, I tried to sheild Danny and take it all but he was there, he saw it all. he was so quiet. What fucking choice did he have. After the drunken incident when my dad ripped my closet door off the hinges and threw me into the bed frame then beat my ass like it was 1940, I told CPS. It took them weeks to get us out of there but he knew I told. That was the worst. He knew I betrayed him, so he made extra certain to punish me and Danny saw it all. Oh Danny I'm so sorry. I should have been good, I should have tried. Fighting him wasn't protecting you, but you were so young and quiet. I couldn't handle it, I'm sorry to say, the way you grew to handle it. I swore if they made me stay with him I would run away in the night, up to the train tracks and either hobo myself to a big city or lie down on the tracks and die. I am 100% certain I would have carried thru with my plan if the courts had decided our father should have custody of me for 6 more years. It never ever ever occured to me they would split us up and make you live with him. When I realized that all my pushing to get away from him had succeeded, but that you couldn't come with me, It felt like when you died. Except it was all my fault. Staying to protect you would have been better than saving myself. If I really think about it, I have hated myself for abandoning you.
Danny I'm so sorry I did that. I should have stayed. It wasn't fair that I got to go live with mom and that "cool" stepdad and you had to stay with our father. The stepdad may have pawned me off to his crack dealer and in time, I saw that living with him wasn't much better than living with my biological father, but if I had stayed at least I could have protected you.
From soooo many fucking years living alone with dad. Oh God, am I sorry. I know.... only I can really know how fucked up that is. No one knows. So much of it is buried deep inside me. But now I acknowledge that the way your short life played out, and my role in sentencing you to your fate was large and pretty much, if I would have done a couple things differently, like not leave you alone with dad, you could have had a happy life and held on to it, instead of the way he made you live and your premature death...
God! How can I ever forgive him! I hate him so fucking much. How the fuck can I even come close to getting along with him when there are about a million resentments. How can you love someone who has hurt the people you love so much? Myself aside, I fucking watched him beat the shit out of mom so many times and you did, too. I'll never forget standing there with you in the dark, holding your hand as we silently listened to her scream and watched him pummeling her face in the firepit. He made us live outside for a year and eat out of dumpsters but that was nothing. NOTHING. It's his physical presence, his insanity, his strength, when he goes "over the edge".... oh danny I'm so sorry you had to be the only one. Your whole fucking childhood.... no childhood. alone with him since age 6. working your ass off. you made tens of thousands of dollars that he kept. you had to... you had to stay with him im so fucking sorry. id do it over and trade in an instant. id come visit and the whole house... fucking taken over, by his work, and all the inventory stacked to the ceiling, just little tiny aisles of carpet. Dark with those little aisles, you working for him after school every day.... you couldnt even post on weedguru or play video games or anything like a normal teenager coz he fucking made you work off your college debt before you wer even 12 years old.... AND YOU NEVER FUCKING GOT TO GO TO COLLEGE!!!! I hate him for making you live that way, for not feeding you, for and I know he did it, for treating you the way he did me when I was forced to listen. But you learned as i could not, as mom could not, how to keep him from losing it. You, so quiet and calm, would not strike back at his insane bullshit. I love you Danny, Im so so very sorry. I love you.
Your brother was the man Caro. Maybe it was him who had wanted to protect you. I dunno, I probably shouldn't say antyhing. I wish you didn't have to waer this burden around your neck Caro, with all my heart. The Bhuddist way explains that Life is Pain. But this pain that yousuffer isn't how life should treat any of it's children. Oh Caro... I'm at a loss for words, I'm sorry I can't make you feel any better about all thsi and I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to make your life what it used to be or how it should have been.... Just keep on living hun.
Peace~
Use the Earth to sew...
Use the Water to grow...
Use your hands to pick...
Your fingers to pack...
Use the Fire to burn...
Use the Air to breathe...
AND TOKE THAT SH!T LIKE A MUTHA FUCKIN' CYCLONE!!!
I'm at a loss for words, I'm sorry I can't make you feel any better about all thsi and I'm sorry there's nothing I can do to make your life what it used to be or how it should have been.... Just keep on living hun.