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i dont even really know where to start here. but i know that this will be a cathartic exercise and dammit thats something i need right now.

im not in love anymore.
ive been with my boyfriend for almost 2 and a half years. living together for about a year and a half now. and im not in love anymore.
if i think about it logically there was so much build up to this and road signs along the way. things that i ignored or barreled through in my typical head strong fashion.
but what it really boils down to is complete collapse of communication. any sort of meaningful communication has pretty much ceased to exist. i think i could have stopped this dissolution along the way by forcing important conversation to happen, but i was weak and scared and just couldnt summon the strength of will to fight, argue or discuss anything with him.
the first "rough" patch i struggled through fighting as best as i could. i demanded, pleaded to be spoken to with respect and eventually i got it. but alas with time things back slide. and we were back in the rough. and it was at this point that i couldnt really fight the good fight anymore. especially since i was really the only one of the two that even seems to notice this horrible down slide. he seems almost completely oblivious, other then the obvious pulling away from each other and lack of any normal sex drive .

if i try to look back and mark problem points i come up with this;
my bf started to have health problems with his kidney. he decided to quit drinking and smoking weed until his infection was gone.
weeks passed and he didnt start drinking or smoking again. i found this a tad off putting because, to be completely honest, im young and i like to go out and party. but not drinking and smoking are his life decisions and i wouldnt force him to change. so i accepted this change in relationship dynamic and continued on with life.
slowly though he stopped wanting to go anywhere there would be smoking weed or drinking. started telling me all my friends (his friends before i moved to his home town and started our life together) do nothing but drink and get high. and that its a stupid way to live, and its retarded that its the only way we know how to socialize. he basically told me all our friends are burn outs. i was to afraid to call him out on the fact he was basically calling me a burn out as well.
so he stopped hanging out with anyone we used to chill with. the only thing he does is sit at home and play computer games.

at first i was ok to stay in with him and just veg out at home. only going out on the weekends to party.
but like i need a social life. i have people here that really like me and always call me up to blaze and chill. so i started going out to chill with friends without him. it made me feel really sad and guilty to leave him at home and go out for hours. even more so considering we were always just chillin and watching movies or whatever. it is very hurtful to know that he doesnt want to come out and do anything to me. on the flip side he is probably hurting when i go out that i rather go and chill with my friends then just stay in with him.

so all this is brewing inside me. my closest friend and i talk about it all the time. trying to figure out how i feel and what i should do....its very hard. when there are so many complications and emotions wrapped up. i spend most of my time hanging out at her house with her bf and room mate. but the guilt i feel about leaving my bf at home is getting to be incredible, the main reasons i head home early during my visits is guilt. like i feel obligated to just sit at home with him. and a large part of me thinks thats a wrong way to feel about a relationship.

i could just keep writing on and on. theres always so much to say when it comes to feelings. and this story isnt even half over. a whole other level of confusion entered a few months ago and it has compounded all the other stress and relationship fears im going through.
but considering the already epic length of this post ill save some of my sob story for another night.


mostly though guys i wanna know if you think im a bad person. i know ive presented a severely limited version of the reality of the situation. sometimes i feel like such a shitty person because of what has happened to my relationship and how my weakness about confronting my bf about my feelings have let it all happen.

If I understood Animal correctly, I would say I agree. and there is nothing I could write that would not just be paraphrasing his lengthy response, and I could hardly do it justice

I feel for you Abby, your situation is very moving. At the same time I feel for your partner. I know you may feel negative feelings toward him right now, but it doesn't really sound like he's done anything wrong. If I understood your story correctly, he had health problems, which led to him making the very mature and responsible decision to abstain from drugs and alcohol. At this point it makes sense that he would have to discontinue his old friendships...I am quitting smoking and my social circle is definitely changing because of it, there's really nothing to be done about it. Being around people smoking is going to make me uncomfortable. It wouldn't be a big deal if my friends smoked occasionally for special occasions, those friends I can still hang out with sure, but the daily smokers, no it's just going to be too weird.

It saddens me to hear him sitting at home alone. Is this really what he wants? I am still going to want to go to festivals and concerts and events (I do hope you have stuff to do other than house parties) and it won't bother me that people in the crowd are drinking/smoking. There are plenty of places around here where people my age congregate, and though that often entails drinking, there are those who don't, or don't drink as much at least. I think the reason he might be staying at home vegging out is because he doesn't want to go to things without you, but the things you're going to incorporate too much of his former lifestyle that he wants to break away from.

So there are really two options. You can try to make this work, spending some of your time with your friends, but when you're with him, encourage him to go to different events that have a different crowd than his old one, and you two can branch out and form new mutual friends that you can both hang out with. Or, if you want the easy way out, you should end the relationship. I call it the "easy way out" but not to talk down on that option...if you really have no more feelings for the boy then all the effort in trying to rekindle the relationship might be more than you're willing to give, and breaking it off is the best, nay the only thing to do.

That's just my perspective on the matter from what you have told me. You may have left out details that make my advice utterly worthless or perhaps even offensive, if so I apologize.

Once again....our lives are so eeriely similar. I've reached the point to where I won't even go out by myself..even if i have money, a ride....etc. It's pretty sad. To him all my friends are dirt bags..even though they were the exact same type of people he hung out with before he met me. At least you got to experience the fun side of your boyfriend. My guy stopped being fun ...it almost seems..the day he met me. Then again it kind of fills me with warm fuzzies that being with me is a reason for him to keep out of trouble.

The only "advice" I can give you...is that you have to talk to him about it. Either you'll break up or the relationship will be even stronger.

My boyfriend started taking me out to play pool every once in a while after we got into a fight and I called him a recluse. It's not a club or anything really exciting ..but it's something.

I remember myself hinting at that a while ago Abby, it's been clear you have been getting more and more annoyed by your boyfriend's composure...

Follow your heart, you are a strong spirit so you'll land on your feet every time.

I agree with both Dan and Ikku...
And i think that a good friend of mine has been through the same thing in terms of having to let go of the weed and alcohol for (mental) health reasons.....
He was lucky in that he know has a partner who doesnt drink or smoke either, and they share different interests... movies, anime, sport etc...

So where does this fall with you and your man? Do you share other common interests and do things other than be at home or formally party together?

Like Ikku said i see where he is coming from, but to me the worst thing that a partner can do is isolate you from your friends (unless it is clear that those friends will lead you to trouble- in this case i dont believe that will happen)... as it then makes you solely reliant on your partner for friendship, making it exponentially harder to leave them for fear of being completely alone.... this is just human nature i believe.

It seems like this has been coming a while and you have been growing more and more distant... perhaps its time to take the brave step? there is no point staying if you are not happy anymore....