Fireworks Night
Posted: Sun Nov 06, 2005 11:50 pm
How was it for you? Do anything good? Actually manage to find some fireworks that didn't suck? My night went like this (those of you who do not enjoy my unnecessarily lengthy, utterly pointless monologues would be well advised to look away now)
I pre-drunk at my house for a while before walking down to the local fireworks. They were exactly the same as they have been every year since i was 8 years old, and that combined with my ever increasing age and ever decreasing tolerance for bullshit left me decidedly unimpressed. If i didn't know better i'd swear they scoop up the ash at the end of the fireworks and recycle them the following year. I decide more booze would rectify this mildly painful situation and start on the beers i'd stashed in my jacket (i managed to fit 8 in there, not bad considering it only has 3 pockets, even more impressive considering i had to walk past gang of policemen on the way in)
I wander around for a bit, drink more and talk to random people i haven't seen for ages. I notice the fireworks are getting increasingly loud, and it is therefore difficult for me to be the centre of attention. This upsets me, so i round up a big group of people and we head down to the pub where people could better appreciate my genius.
We get there, i order a pint, halfway through drinking it i become very aware of my need to shed a couple of pounds, so i head to the toilet. There is only one cubicle and i can hear a guy being sick in there. He's in there for like 5 minutes before i lose my patience (and nearly my bowel control) I start banging on the door and yelling shit at him, mostly things like if he's going a be a pussy who can't handle his alcohol, he could at least have the common courtesy to go and throw up in the streets with all the other over-indulgent pre-pubecents. ''Bleugh....fuck....bleugh....you....'' Eventually he's done, and when he opens the door, i'm surprised to be greated by a fairly respectable looking man in his 30s. He gives me a dirty look, but i'm about to shit myself so i ignore that.
I re-enter the pub suitably relieved and sit back down and survey the talent. It is few and far between, so i focus my attention on the older, stunningly attractive blonde sitting opposite me. We talk, she informs me she's 41 and the mother of one of my female friends. This doesn't deter me one little bit. We talk for a while, i make he laugh hysterically and i ask her for her number, but she declines. I ask why not, she says i'm too young for her. I tell her youth comes hand in hand with stamina.
The conversation continues down that road for sometime, and i really thought i was about to get her to give in, then she says those 5 horrible words no man ever wants to hear, ''Have you met my husband?'' Ouch. (I did, however, note that at no point during my half hour or so of courtship did she state having a husband as a reason why she couldn't go out with me. Interesting, but irrelevant) I said we could let him watch, to which she replies ''You're drunk!'' Ya think?! I'm 17 years old, you are the 41 year old mother of my friend, and i have been talking for the past 30 minutes about the earth shattering orgasms i could give you. What was your first clue to my intoxication? I tell her that there are far too many unsolved crimes in the world for her to be wasting her staggering powers or perception analysing my toxicity levels (i figure since her husband is in the room, im not going to get anywhere, so i can start being an arsehole again) I did subsequently try it on with her daughter, but i don't think she was all that impressed that she was my plan B and behind her mother in the pecking order.
So, feeling rejected and drunk, i buy a gram of charlie off my mate and crack into that. (On a side note, did you know that in quite a few clubs in London they put a coat of white spirit on the top of the toilet so that when you try to rack up a line on it, your coke just dissolves? Be careful of that.) I spend the next few hours talking codshit to relative strangers until the pub chucks out. I watch to obligatory end of the night fight, then retire home, where my sister is with her new boyfriend. Turns out he smoke weed and smokes one with me, so he now has the enviable position of being the first boyfriend my sister has bought home that i haven't a) wanted to kill or b) chucked out of the house.
So yeah, that was my night, pretty uneventul. Anyone do anything any good?
I pre-drunk at my house for a while before walking down to the local fireworks. They were exactly the same as they have been every year since i was 8 years old, and that combined with my ever increasing age and ever decreasing tolerance for bullshit left me decidedly unimpressed. If i didn't know better i'd swear they scoop up the ash at the end of the fireworks and recycle them the following year. I decide more booze would rectify this mildly painful situation and start on the beers i'd stashed in my jacket (i managed to fit 8 in there, not bad considering it only has 3 pockets, even more impressive considering i had to walk past gang of policemen on the way in)
I wander around for a bit, drink more and talk to random people i haven't seen for ages. I notice the fireworks are getting increasingly loud, and it is therefore difficult for me to be the centre of attention. This upsets me, so i round up a big group of people and we head down to the pub where people could better appreciate my genius.
We get there, i order a pint, halfway through drinking it i become very aware of my need to shed a couple of pounds, so i head to the toilet. There is only one cubicle and i can hear a guy being sick in there. He's in there for like 5 minutes before i lose my patience (and nearly my bowel control) I start banging on the door and yelling shit at him, mostly things like if he's going a be a pussy who can't handle his alcohol, he could at least have the common courtesy to go and throw up in the streets with all the other over-indulgent pre-pubecents. ''Bleugh....fuck....bleugh....you....'' Eventually he's done, and when he opens the door, i'm surprised to be greated by a fairly respectable looking man in his 30s. He gives me a dirty look, but i'm about to shit myself so i ignore that.
I re-enter the pub suitably relieved and sit back down and survey the talent. It is few and far between, so i focus my attention on the older, stunningly attractive blonde sitting opposite me. We talk, she informs me she's 41 and the mother of one of my female friends. This doesn't deter me one little bit. We talk for a while, i make he laugh hysterically and i ask her for her number, but she declines. I ask why not, she says i'm too young for her. I tell her youth comes hand in hand with stamina.
The conversation continues down that road for sometime, and i really thought i was about to get her to give in, then she says those 5 horrible words no man ever wants to hear, ''Have you met my husband?'' Ouch. (I did, however, note that at no point during my half hour or so of courtship did she state having a husband as a reason why she couldn't go out with me. Interesting, but irrelevant) I said we could let him watch, to which she replies ''You're drunk!'' Ya think?! I'm 17 years old, you are the 41 year old mother of my friend, and i have been talking for the past 30 minutes about the earth shattering orgasms i could give you. What was your first clue to my intoxication? I tell her that there are far too many unsolved crimes in the world for her to be wasting her staggering powers or perception analysing my toxicity levels (i figure since her husband is in the room, im not going to get anywhere, so i can start being an arsehole again) I did subsequently try it on with her daughter, but i don't think she was all that impressed that she was my plan B and behind her mother in the pecking order.
So, feeling rejected and drunk, i buy a gram of charlie off my mate and crack into that. (On a side note, did you know that in quite a few clubs in London they put a coat of white spirit on the top of the toilet so that when you try to rack up a line on it, your coke just dissolves? Be careful of that.) I spend the next few hours talking codshit to relative strangers until the pub chucks out. I watch to obligatory end of the night fight, then retire home, where my sister is with her new boyfriend. Turns out he smoke weed and smokes one with me, so he now has the enviable position of being the first boyfriend my sister has bought home that i haven't a) wanted to kill or b) chucked out of the house.
So yeah, that was my night, pretty uneventul. Anyone do anything any good?