Various quotes worth sharing

[Sammy]

ok here's one that made me laugh

"whoaa shrek you don't wanna do that, my donkey senses are tingling! so why dont you just drop that jug of voodoo.. *squeeze* SEE, you gonna have an allergic reaction! and if you thinkin, that ima be rubbin vaporub all ova' yo chest....."

[Midnight Toker]

yeah that is pretty long, i dont beleive ive ever read a book over about 350 pages, and im not gonna even start on these long posts, but ill take your word for it that it is worth reading

I'm gonna clear up a common misconception you 12 year olds seem to have. Ignorance doesn't make you cool.

[nowhere]

yeah that is pretty long, i dont beleive ive ever read a book over about 350 pages, and im not gonna even start on these long posts, but ill take your word for it that it is worth reading

I'm gonna clear up a common misconception you 12 year olds seem to have. Ignorance doesn't make you cool.

so true.
just makes you look immature

[Big Daddy]

Ignorance is bliss.

sorry, it is the only thing i could think of.

[jonny cockeral]

"the problem with voting is, is that the goverment always gets in"

[Midnight Toker]

Ignorance is bliss.

Then you sir are destined for eternal happiness

[auto]

I've got a bunch.... here r some funny ones.... not in the mood for serious ones right now.

"Katy: Boon, I think I'm in love with a retard.
Boon: Is he bigger than me?"

"Boon: You're gonna hump her brains out, aren't you?
Otter: Boon, I anticipate a deeply religious experience."
- Animal House.

“I always admired atheists. I think it takes a lot of faith.”
- Diane Frolov

" Eddie: Can I ask you something? Do you know where Harvard is?
A.J.: It's near Boston.
Eddie: No I mean, do you really know where Harvard is? It's another planet man- another universe. Totally unlike the one we know. Filled with big blond guys who eat ivy and row boats. What I'm trying to say is, you and Corey just aren't made for each other. She's different from you."
- Empire Records (btw, to me thats like saying "I smoke wayyy too much pot")

[Weedguru_Fire_Inside]

"When he put the pen down, he had filled all but 2 inches of the page. It had taken 3 cigarettes to draft the note. The words hadn't come easy, and there were misspellings and half completed sentences. He didn't have time to rewrite this letter 20 times like all the other letters in his journals: It was getting brighter outside, and he needed to act before the rest of the world woke. He signed it 'peace, love, empathy, Kurt Cobain,' printing out his name as opposed to using a signature. He underlined 'empathy' twice; he had used this one word 5 times. He wrote one more line - "Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar" - and stuck the paper and pen into his left coat pocket. On the stereo Stipe was singing about the "man on the moon." Kurt had always loved Andy Kauffman - His friends used to crack up back in junior high in Montesano when Kurt would do his Latka impression from "Taxi."
He rose from the bed and entered the closet, where he removed a board from the wall. In this secret cubbyhole sat a beige nylon gun case, a box of shotgun shells, and a Tom Moore cigar box. He replaced the board, put the shells in his pocket, grabbed the cigar box, and cradled the heavy shotgun over his left forearm. In a hallway closet he grabbed 2 towels, he wouldn't need these, but someone would. Empathy. He quietly walked down the nineteen steps of the wide staircase. He was within a few feet of Cali's room and he didn't want anyone catching sight of him. He had thought this all through, mapped it out with the same forethought he put to his album covers and videos. There would be blood, lots of blood, and a mess, which he didn't want in his house.
Mostly, he didn't want to haunt this home, to leave his daughter with the same nightmares he had suffered.
As he headed into the kitchen, he passed the doorjamb where he and Courtney had begun keeping track of how tall Frances had grown. Only one line was there now, a little pencil mark with her name 31 inches from the floor. Kurt would never see any higher marks, but he was convinced that his daughters' life would be better without him.
In the kitchen he opened the door of his $10,000 Traulson stainless steel refrigerator and grabbed a can of Barq's root beer, making sure not to lose grip of the shotgun. Carrying his unthinkable load - root beer, towels, a box of heroin, and a shotgun, all of which would later be found in a bizarre grouping - he opened the door to the backyard and walked across the small patio. Dawn was breaking and mist hung close to the ground. Most mornings in Aberdeen felt just like this: wet, moist, dank. He would never see Aberdeen again; never actually climb to the top of that water tower on "Think of me hill"; never buy the farm he had always dreamed about in Grays Harbor County; never again wake up in a hospital waiting room having pretended to be a bereaved visitor just to find a warm place to sleep; never again see his mother, sister, father, wife or daughter. He strolled the 20 paces to his greenhouse, climbed to wooden steps, and opened the rear set of French doors. The floor was linoleum; it would be easy to clean. Empathy.
He sat on the floor of the one room structure, looking out the front doors. No one could see him here, not unless they were climbing in the trees behind his property, and that was unlikely. The last thing he wanted was the type of fuck-up that would leave him a vegetable, and leave him with even more pain. His two uncles’ and great grandfather had taken this same grisly walk, and if they had managed to pull it off, he knew he could too. He had the ‘suicide genes’, as he used to joke with his friends back in Grays Harbor. He never wanted to see the inside of a hospital again, never wanted a doctor in a white lab-coat poking at him, and never wanted to have an endoscope in his painful stomach. He was finished with all that, finished with his stomach; he couldn’t be more finished. Like a great movie director. He had planned this moment to the smallest detail, rehearsing as both the actor and director. There had been many rehearsals over the years, close brushes that almost went this way, either by accident or sometimes with intent, like Rome. This had always been the thing he had kept at the back of his mind, like a precious salve, as the only cure for a pain that would not go away. He didn’t care about freedom from want, he wanted freedom from pain.
He sat thinking about these things for many minutes. He smoked 5 Camel Lights. He drank several sips of his root beer.
He grabbed the note from his pocket. There was still a little room on it. He laid it on the linoleum floor. He had to write in large letters, which weren’t straight, because of the surface he was writing on. He managed to scratch out a few more words – “Please keep going Courtney, for Frances, for her life which will be so much better without me. I love you, I love you.” Those last words, written larger than anything else, had completed the sheet. He laid the note on top of a pile of potting soil, and stabbed his pen through the middle, so like a stake it held the paper aloft over the soil.
He took the shotgun out of its’ soft nylon case. He carefully folded the case, like a little boy putting away his best Sunday clothes after church. He took off his jacket, laid it on top of the case, and laid 2 towels at the top of this pile. Ah, empathy, a sweet gift. He went to the sink for a small amount of water for his drug-cooker and sat down again. He opened the box of 25 shotgun shells and took 3 out, sticking them into the magazine of the gun. He moved the action on the Remington so that one bullet was in the chamber. He took off the guns’ safety.
He smoked his last Camel Light. He took another sip of his Barq’s. Outside an overcast day was beginning – it was like the one in which he had come into this world, 27 years, 1 month and 16 days earlier. Once in his journal, he had attempted to tell the story of that very first moment of his life: “My first memory was a light aqua green tile floor and a very strong hand holding me by my ankles. The force made it clear to me that I am no longer in water and I cannot go back. I tried to kick and squirm, back to the hole, but he just held me there, suspended over my mothers’ vagina. It was like he was teasing me. I could feel the liquid and blood evaporating and tightening my skin. Reality was oxygen consuming me, and the sterile smell of never going back into the hole, a terror that could never be repeated again. Knowing this was comforting, and so I began my first ritual of dealing with things. I did not cry.”
He grabbed his cigar box and pulled out a small plastic bag that contained $100 worth of Mexican black tar heroin - it was a lot of heroin. He took half, a swab the size of a pencil eraser and stuck it on his spoon. Methodically and expertly, he prepared the heroin and his syringe, injecting it just above his elbow, not far from his 'K' tattoo. He put the works back into the box and felt himself drift, rapidly floating away from this place. Jainism preached that there were 30 heavens and 7 hells, all layered throughout our lives; if he had any luck, this would be his 7th and final hell. He put his works away, floating away faster and faster, feeling his breathing slow. He had to hurry now: everything was becoming hazy, and an aqua green hue framed every object. He grabbed the heavy shotgun; put it against the roof of his mouth. It would be loud, he was certain of that. And then he was gone."

Charles R. Cross - "Heavier Than Heaven"

Extremely fucking sorry about the length of the post, but this intrigued me more than anything i've ever read before.

[13laze]

"Ancient Egyptians shaved off their eyebrows to mourn the deaths of their cats."
"Europe is the only continent without a desert."
"A human being loses an average of 40 to 100 strands of hair a day."
"Goodyear rubber company researched and concluded that shoes wear out faster on the right foot than the left."
"It takes about 142.18 licks to reach the center of a tootsie pop."
"A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove."
"Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age."
"Flamingos can only eat with their heads upside down."
"A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court!."
"Horses can sleep standing up."
"The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds."
"Shakespeare spelled his own name several different ways."
"There are more than 10 million bricks in the Empire State Building."
"A jellyfish is 95% water."
"Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants."
"The U.S. Government will not allow portraits of living persons to appear on stamps."
"Your brain is 80% water."
"The sun is 330,330 times larger than the earth."
"A car traveling 100 mph would take more than 29 million years to reach the nearest star."
"Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots."
"The billionth digit of pi is 9."
"More money is printed daily for the Monopoly game than by the U.S. Treasury."
"Eggplant is a member of the thistle family."
"Kermit the Frog is left handed."
"The only country whose name begins with an A but doesn't end in an A is Afghanastan."
"The quartz crystal in your wristwatch vibrates 32768 times a second."
"St. Stephen is the patron saint of bricklayers."
"The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' head enables it to see all four feet at all times"
"Assuming Rudolph was in front there are 40320 ways to arrange the other eight reindeer."
"The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene."
"Elephants are the only animal that can't jump."
"Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas. "
"Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns."
"In 1977 there were 37 Elvis impersonators in the world. In 1993, there were 48,000. At this rate, by the year 2010 one out of every three people will be an Elvis impersonator."
"The hundred billionth crayon made by Crayola was Perriwinkle Blue."
"Woodpecker scalps, porpoise teeth and giraffe tails have all been used as money."
"The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets."
"More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes. "
"Pickled herrings were invented in 1375."
"The distance between an alligator's eyes in inches is directly proportional to the length of the alligator in feet."
"Toki doki kuruma de kayotte imasu means Sometimes I commute by car. in Japanese."
"The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days."
"It takes forty minutes to hard boil an ostrich egg."
"Shirley Temple always had 56 curls in her hair."
"The pupil of an octopus' eye is rectangular. "
"Camels milk does not curdle."
"Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants. "
"All porcupines float in water. "
"Press Control D for a big surprise!"
"Average speed of Heinz ketchup from the mouth of an opened bottle: 25 miles per year."
"Belief in the existence of vacuums used to be punishable by death under church law. "
"Carnivorous animals will not eat another animal that has been hit by a lightning strike"
"The Sanskrit word for war translates as 'wanting more cows'"
"There is a 1 in 685,000 chance that you will accidentally drown in your own bath."
"Mickey Mouse was banned in Romania in 1935 because it was felt that he was too scary for children."
"Bamboo can grow three feet in twenty-four hours."
"Mosquitos have forty-seven teeth."
"If the bottom two rows of keys on your keyboard suddenly failed, the longest word you could still be able to type out is 'typewriter'."
"There are 2,500,000 rivets in the Eiffel Tower"
"Queen Victoria was the first European monarch to use a telephone."
"A pound of termites has more nutrients than a pound of beef or pork"
"Holding down the Ctrl key and pressing D on your keyboard will bring up a surprise!"
"The male scorpion fly gets other males to bring him food by imitating a female fly."
"The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds."
"Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself."
"Armadillos are the only animal besides humans that can get leprosy."
"If you started counting, and said one number every second, it would take you 33 years to get to 1 billion."
"20 newborn opossums can fit into a tablespoon."
"A shark can grow a new set of teeth in a week."
"Brazil got it's name from the nut, not the other way around."
"The Milky Way galaxy contains 5 billion stars larger than our sun."
"eBaum has been featured in over one hundred US magazines."
"The number of UFO sightings constantly increase when Mars is nearest the Earth."
"Crocodiles swallow stones to help them dive deeper."
"Goldfish can suffer motion sickness."
"Giraffes are unable to cough."
"During it's lifetime an oyster changes its sex from male to female and back several times."
"Squids can commit suicide by eating their own tentacles."
"Shark's teeth are literally as hard as steel."
"Turkey's often look up at the sky during a rainstorm. Unfortunately some have been known to drown as a result."
"The aquatic animal, the Red Sponge, can be broken into a thousand pieces and still reconstitute itself."
"In Ancient Peru, when a woman found an 'ugly' potato, it was the custom for her to push it into the face of the nearest man."
"The magic word 'Abracadabra' was originally intended for the specific purpose of curing hay fever."
"Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, never phoned his wife or his mother, they were both deaf."
"The mad Emperor Caligula once decided to go to war with the Roman God of the sea, Poseidon, and ordered his soldiers to throw their spears into the water at random."
"William Shakespeare's father's first name was John."
"Sesaism times square is another word for bada-geint."
"There are more nutrients in the cornflake packet itself than there are in the actual cornflake."
"A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why."
"It is possible to lead a cow upstairs but not downstairs, because a cows' knees can't bend properly to walk back down."
"A fullgrown bear can run as fast as a horse."
"A polar bears' fur is not white, it's clear."
"Walt Disney had wooden teeth."
"Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy."
"Slinkys were invented by an airplane mechanic; he was playing with engine parts and realized the possible secondary use of one of the springs."
"The Roman Emperor Nero used to eat Leeks to try to improve his singing voice"
"After his first concert appearance Elvis presley was advised to consider becoming a lorry driver"
"Children grow faster in springtime than they do the rest of the year"
"A yak has the skeleton of a bison, the hair of a goat, the tail of a horse, the head of a cow, and grunts like a pig"
"The measurement of a yard was instituted by Henry I, who decided it should be the distance from the end of his nose to his thumb"
"It has been traditional to serve fish with a slice of lemon since the Middle Ages when people believed that the fruits juice would dissolve any bones accidentally swallowed"
"Horses do not have collar bones"
"For more than 2000 years a cow's moo was used as a unit of distance in India"
"An elephants trunk can hold 6.6 litres of water"
"The onion is named after a Latin word meaning a large pearl"
"The sea-urchin walks on the tips of its teeth"
"The IRC program itself was invented by Jarkko Oikarinen in 1988"

[4*20]

"Press Control D for a big surprise!"

You were betrayed by this one.