Unrevised

[CourtneysStoned]

This a poem I just wrote. I havent written anything like this in a few years, so I'm afraid I may be a little rusty. Let me know what you think and any advice you have to offer would be nice, too

Opalescent butterflies flutter and tickle with your very touch
I've never known you to look into my eyes this much
Slowly, sweetly, you lay me in a bed of down
Slowly, surely a curtain of passion cascades around
The taste of your kiss sends me to the stars
There's nothing to stop us, this moment is ours
Trembling, my legs wrap and hold you close to me
I'm alive, more than I could ever be
You are what I've always been waiting for
My love burns for you, solid to the core
A core that, in this moment, pulses and quivers
Your love flows like a thousand rivers
This body, this soul is of a new
And its lust for you will forever be true

[Caro]

Yes! Excellent poem, a real turn-on, I love the descriptive language and the rhythm, too. The end kind of confuses me a bit tho' just the last line...doesn't seem to be in the spirit of the rest of the poem...but maybe the person it's for will understand that.

also, you did say you were open to comments...if I was editing this I'd say you might want to change the 4th line...it's the only one that sounds like a slave to your ryhming scheme...know what I mean?

[CourtneysStoned]

yeah, i dont like the 4th line either, but its all i could think of at the moment. definitely has to change.

i thought the same thing about the last line too after i read over the whole thing. i'll get stoned later and see what i can come up with. Thanks, girl!